24 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE DECEMBER 22, 1995
BIG TIPS
I've gone without sex for four years. How do I get laid?
by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone
It happened to me. I got sucked into the holiday craft-fair vortex. When it belched me back up on shore, I found myself wearing a $30 hat that, while stylin' plus, makes me look a bit like a cross between Rog on What's Happenin' and a popover. I hadn't intended to brave the holidays impersonating a baked good, but I'm donning my cap proudly, and giving a wide berth to strangers bearing jam.
Dear Big Tipper,
I'm frustrated! Sexually that is. I'm 36 and haven't been sexually involved with any-
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one in four years. I'm highly educated, sensitive, and artistic, and my only drawback is my weight, and that's relative.
I lived on the east coast for several years and found it was easy to pick up someone and have a short-term, very pleasant sexual experience. But women in northeast Ohio are reluctant, it seems, to get involved. Is it for health reasons? Why does it seem like the idea of a one-night stand is so repugnant to people around here?
I'm not talking about promiscuity, and I do continue to search for that special woman, but what's wrong with the occasional sexual release with someone you find attractive, in whatever capacity?
211
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What should I do? Can you give me some words of wisdom? Advice? How do I "relieve" myself?
Dear Hohio,
Horny in Ohio
Well, you're right, you're not talking about promiscuity, because that means a lot of people, indiscriminately chosen. It sounds like you're trying to choose folks who are at least attractive to you, but you may be fishing for a quickie in Lake Monogamy.
Yes, there are definitely regional differences in the accessibility of a one night stand, but no matter where you are, women are pretty systematically punished for not being either virginal or monogamous ("She's a slut"), so even those gals who want to be freewheelin' may have a hard time letting go and giving it up.
There may also be unfortunate connections in people's minds with having had regrettable sex after a zany night of quarter drafts. Actively choosing to have a one night thing with someone is very different from waking up next to someone you don't remember having your way with.
Of course health reasons are a factor (you'd damn well better be talking about sex histories, and have the gloves and Saran in your back pocket), but you know what? The menace of STDs, deadly or not, has historically been used to bludgeon women into obedience and fear of aggressive pursuit of what their bodies or souls need. A lot of people are having sex and not transmitting HIV or warts: why shouldn't you be one of them?
I'd suggest cutting to the chase and putting a personal in the paper asking for nostrings dates. All the nibbles you get will at least be pre-screened for their openness to the possibility.
Meanwhile, if you need a purely physical (read: orgasmic) release, get a Hitachi Magic Wand with a G spotter attachment: this vibrator rocks the butts off the best. It'll last you for years, it has a deep, thrumbly pulse, and the G spotter curls into all the tasty spots previously inaccessible to its tennis ball shaped head.
If it's the need to be touched by someone else that's setting your nerves to jangling, contact a massage therapist. A good, long professional massage will make your skin and muscles feel dreamy, and may take the edge off your skin. Good luck, and play safe.
Dear M.T.,
I've enjoyed reading Big Tips, and would have written sooner if I'd had a problem. Actually, this isn't a question, it's just something I'd like to let your readers know since it's that time of year.
I've been an out and proud gay man for almost 15 years, since early in college. I had not come out to my parents by the time I graduated, though, and decided that I had to do it as soon as possible. Unfortunately, by this time my only occasion for going to my parents' house was on holidays, and Christmas was the next visit.
I knew it's not a good time to come out, because there are so many expectations built up around the holiday, but I bit the bullet and told them. It was horrible. My mother cried for the rest of the week, and I thought my father would never speak to me again. My relationship with them was changed forever.
Fortunately, that's not the end of the story. Time passed. We talked and fought and talked. My sister, who still lived at home, reported seeing books about the gay community on my father's nightstand. They were trying, and I was patient.
I'm 34 years old now, and a therapist with a large gay and lesbian clientele, and I talk to many, many people who are discouraged that their families still haven't "gotten over" their coming out, even though six months, or two years, or ten years have passed. Keep the faith. Sometimes it just takes a long, long time for them to readjust their expectations. Coming out is the right thing to do! Happy holidays to you, Big Tipper. Coming Out is Hard To Do
Dear Shrinky Dink,
I'm hearin' it. A couple squeezes out a pup, and they imagine that slippery body growing up to be a ballerina brain surgeon. Even if she does, when she starts dating that woman choreographer anaesthesiologist, m and d clutch their heads. Thanks for the tale of hope this Kwaanza-Hannukah-Christ-
mas-Solstice-let's-just-buy-some-serious-
stuff Season.
The late-breaking news as I turn this column in is about the two lesbians being murdered in Oregon. I'm filled with grief and anger, and I'm careful to remember that these women didn't die because they were gay, they died because someone else was incredibly full of hate. Please respond to this tragedy: come out, call people on their homophobia, and if you believe in blue light, or prayer, or money, send some to Oregon now. Donations should be sent to the Abdill/ Ellis Memorial Fund, Bank of America, 2305 Ashland Street, Suite B, Ashland, Oregon 97520.
Send queries or comments to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland, OH 44101; or fax to 216631-1082; or e-mail ChronOhio@aol.com.
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